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Dear Atlas: Year Four 

 September 17, 2020

Oh my clever Attie-girl!

I cannot believe you are four years old! (Okay, your birthday is September 1) 

I totally get why parents say that now. The whole 'I can't believe you're X old!' It never really made sense to me before but now I get it.

Your addition to my world completely rocked me to my core.

I distinctly remember in those first few months, desperately wishing you would hurry and grow up already.

It was hard. I was mentally struggling.

I handed your off every chance I got, desperate to escape...searching in every corner to try to find my stability, find myself again.

The deep rooted societal pull I felt to do it all, the internal anxiety/depression/OCD that consumed me and having to ‘soloparent’ a significant amount...took its toll. I wasn’t the person I wanted you to know.

Thankfully (hopefully) you didn’t realized much of this.

Thankfully, I am still here and better, so much better.

Thankfully I can now show up and be the guide that I know you deserve/need in this chaotic world.

Thankfully you are brilliant, loving, clever, funny, confident, curious, outspoken and kind, all on your own.

This is you at your core. i am thankful you made me a mama and that you are my daughter.

so. i get it now when people say they can’t believe how fast time flies.

there was a moment when i couldn’t wait for you to get bigger and need me less.

but now i know it was my heart that needed to get bigger and for me to be present for you more.

i realize now that all that time i spent running away in the beginning, trying to find something i thought i lost...was found in you and me, together, this entire time.

i love you sweet girl. happy birthday and thank you for choosing us 

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